Treason on the Street

  Treason on the Street

While the United States reels in the wake of a treasonous leak of top secret documents revealing the government's telephone and online spying methods, there is growing concern that internet posts and private correspondence obtained through these methods may be taken out of context and used to vilify individuals who are not terrorists. Rest assured, those trumpeting such concerns are engaged in nothing more than fear mongering, clogging media channels with paranoid delusions as a much more serious story receives zero coverage.

Yesterday at 4:43AM, heavily armed police moved into a series of homes in New York City and apprehended the cast of Sesame Street who are now being held indefinitely at the Guantanamo Detention Centre. The move came after concern was sparked over statements on the popular children's program's Facebook page.

Chief of Police, Raymond Kelly, said a number of his officers were injured during the arrests, one violently pecked in the eyes by Big Bird before the behemoth was shot dead. He went on to say he was glad to have these suspects off the streets.

“The statements on their page are alarming,” Kelly said. “It seems pretty clear they are recruiting children to commit acts of eco-terrorism.”

The webpage, which has since been taken down, read, “We've teamed up with the National Park Service to encourage kids to explore nature!”

“Emboldening children in this way is extremely dangerous,” Kelly said. “The land needs to be exploited for oil, gas, and lumber and this nature-worship is really no different than the indoctrination of overseas terrorists into Islam.”

Kelly said statements on the page about National Nutrition Month were being seen as hostile toward the biotechnology industry which is deeply entwined with the American government. “What you have to understand,” Kelly said, “is that when you attack agriculture companies like Monsanto what you are really doing is attacking America. Sesame Street is a serious threat to public safety.”

A National Security Agency spokesperson said that what ultimately sparked the need for action was a series of posts about “putting down the pacifier.” A link to a particularly alarming video on youtube showed Elmo talking about how giving up his “binky” made him feel happy and proud. “When you give up your binky, you'll feel really good too,” Elmo says. “This rhetoric is clearly a metaphor for initiating the collapse of the capitalist social structure, suggesting, against all reason, that it would feel good to destroy our social progress,” the spokesperson said. “Beneath the cute and fuzzy costumes lie savage anarchist ideologies ”

President Obama weighed in in an address to the nation, saying there were also alarming references to the Boston Marathon bombing. “After the bombing, Sesame Street said on Facebook that an appropriate response was, and I quote, “Empowering your child with a sense of control of his or her life.” There seems to me just a little too much room to interpret that as meaning our children should find empowerment by detonating explosives. The most successful country in the world can't risk a wave of juvenile eco-terrorists rising up and bombing everything from timber companies to biotech giants. The economy simply couldn't handle it.”

On top of all of this, a private Skype conversation between Ernie and Bert, obtained by the NSA, shows the muppets discussing how unfair it is that the Cookie Monster can eat box after box of cookies while their friend Oscar is left living in a garbage can. Ernie suggests to Bert, “If we can't raise Oscar's standard of living, perhaps we can get the misshapen cookies from the factory garbage bins to share with him.”

“I don't think we should steal, Bert,” Ernie says.

“Well, let's talk a bit more about it when we meet in person,” Bert says.

Police Chief Kelley said Bert's reluctance to conclude the conversation on Skype is indicative of his certainty he will sway Ernie toward criminality. “It is our duty as police,” he said, “to prevent would be criminals from committing criminal acts by incarcerating them.” While no official charges need be laid against Guantanamo prisoners, it is at least possible they could eventually face trial for conspiracy to steal cookies and disrupt the social order. The rest of the cast is not expected to see a courtroom until well after the war on terror has drawn to a close.