Treason on the Street
While
the United States reels in the wake of a treasonous leak of top
secret documents revealing the government's telephone and online
spying methods, there is growing concern that internet posts and
private correspondence obtained through these methods may be taken
out of context and used to vilify individuals who are not terrorists.
Rest assured, those trumpeting such concerns are engaged in nothing
more than fear mongering, clogging media channels with paranoid
delusions as a much more serious story receives zero coverage.
Yesterday
at 4:43AM, heavily armed police moved into a series of homes in New
York City and apprehended the cast of Sesame Street who are now being
held indefinitely at the Guantanamo Detention Centre. The move came after
concern was sparked over statements on the popular children's
program's Facebook page.
Chief
of Police, Raymond Kelly, said a number of his officers were injured
during the arrests, one violently pecked in the eyes by Big Bird
before the behemoth was shot dead. He went on to say he was glad to
have these suspects off the streets.
“The
statements on their page are alarming,” Kelly said. “It seems
pretty clear they are recruiting children to commit acts of
eco-terrorism.”
The
webpage, which has since been taken down, read, “We've teamed up
with the National Park Service to encourage kids to explore nature!”
“Emboldening
children in this way is extremely dangerous,” Kelly said. “The
land needs to be exploited for oil, gas, and lumber and this
nature-worship is really no different than the indoctrination of
overseas terrorists into Islam.”
Kelly
said statements on the page about National Nutrition Month were being
seen as hostile toward the biotechnology industry which is deeply
entwined with the American government. “What you have to
understand,” Kelly said, “is that when you attack agriculture
companies like Monsanto what you are really doing is attacking
America. Sesame Street is a serious threat to public safety.”
A
National Security Agency spokesperson said that what ultimately
sparked the need for action was a series of posts about “putting
down the pacifier.” A link to a particularly alarming video on
youtube showed Elmo talking about how giving up his “binky” made
him feel happy and proud. “When you give up your binky, you'll feel
really good too,” Elmo says. “This rhetoric is clearly a metaphor
for initiating the collapse of the capitalist social structure,
suggesting, against all reason, that it would feel good to destroy
our social progress,” the spokesperson said. “Beneath the cute
and fuzzy costumes lie savage anarchist ideologies ”
President
Obama weighed in in an address to the nation, saying there were also
alarming references to the Boston Marathon bombing. “After the
bombing, Sesame Street said on Facebook that an appropriate response
was, and I quote, “Empowering your child with a sense of control of
his or her life.” There seems to me just a little too much room to
interpret that as meaning our children should find empowerment by
detonating explosives. The most successful country in the world can't
risk a wave of juvenile eco-terrorists rising up and bombing
everything from timber companies to biotech giants. The economy
simply couldn't handle it.”
On
top of all of this, a private Skype conversation between Ernie and
Bert, obtained by the NSA, shows the muppets discussing how unfair it
is that the Cookie Monster can eat box after box of cookies while
their friend Oscar is left living in a garbage can. Ernie suggests to
Bert, “If we can't raise Oscar's standard of living, perhaps we can
get the misshapen cookies from the factory garbage bins to share with
him.”
“I
don't think we should steal, Bert,” Ernie says.
“Well,
let's talk a bit more about it when we meet in person,” Bert says.
Police
Chief Kelley said Bert's reluctance to conclude the conversation on
Skype is indicative of his certainty he will sway Ernie toward
criminality. “It is our duty as police,” he said, “to prevent
would be criminals from committing criminal acts by incarcerating
them.” While no official charges need be laid against Guantanamo
prisoners, it is at least possible they could eventually face trial
for conspiracy to steal cookies and disrupt the social order. The
rest of the cast is not expected to see a courtroom until well after
the war on terror has drawn to a close.
